It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
