You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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