I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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