My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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