He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
