Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
