Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
