Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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