I just made out with a guy for $7.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
