There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
