Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
