the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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