She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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