I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
