cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
