I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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