I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
