He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
