The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
