Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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