I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
