So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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