looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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