Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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