I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
