new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
