Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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