ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
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