I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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