I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
