I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
