I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
