i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
