so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
We left an ass print on the piano.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
