I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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