dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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