Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
