Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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