I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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