The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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