I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
