You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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