When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
