Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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