I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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