Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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