I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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