i need an iv and a liver transplant
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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