oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
