I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
