allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
